Mama Heart | Something's gotta give

Y'all. I know it's not Monday, which is when I usually post for Mama Heart. I also know it's been eons since I've published a new post. Life has been kicking my booty lately, which has inspired today's long-overdue Mama Heart installment.

If you follow me on Instagram and watch my rambling, often pointless Instagram stories, then you know that I've recently started Beachbody's 21 Day Fix program. I joined a challenge group on Facebook and have been doing daily 30-minute workouts, drinking Shakeology, and ramping up my water intake. It feels really good to take care of my body with daily exercise (something I haven't done regularly since I was preparing for my wedding 4 years ago!), but I'm not sticking to the program 100%. There's a clean-eating component with strict portion control, which I'm not yet implementing since I'm still breastfeeding. I don't want my milk supply to drop.

I'm especially worried about my milk supply since I've stopped nursing Louisa and am exclusively pumping to give her bottles of breastmilk throughout the day (she only nurses right before bed, but I might start giving her a bottle then, too). I've mentioned this a lot on my Instagram stories because I have to pump around 4 times a day, often for at least 30 minutes at a time (sometimes more). I've been doing this for over two weeks now, and to put it bluntly, I hate it. 

Louisa was never a lover of the bottle, which was fine until a couple of months ago, when she became super distracted while nursing and would pop off the breast after just a few minutes unless we were alone in a quiet room where she couldn't hear any other noises. It became very frustrating and nearly impossible to complete a nursing session. And forget about nursing in public/covering up to nurse; I'd be flashing everyone and squirting everywhere within minutes (#sorrynotsorry for the visual--I keep it real here). I began offering her a bottle or two during the day, and once she got used to them, I started giving her bottles for all of her daytime feeds. She slept through the night for the first time in her life that first day of all bottle-feeds (and every night since), which I think is due to her finally getting enough milk throughout the day. She's satiated. And we're both finally well-rested.

However, pumping several times a day is wreaking havoc on my life at home. I'm tethered to an outlet for 20-30 minutes, 4 times a day, and I have two mobile, active kids at home; I have to be available to intervene whenever things start taking a turn toward "unsafe" with them. My house is a mess. Max isn't napping anymore so I'm getting no break from him during the day, and he's also turning into a doozy of a threenager before my very eyes. Despite working out everyday (which I've been doing early in the morning before everyone wakes up), I'm becoming more irritable and stressed because I can't seem to manage this new pumping lifestyle in addition to all of my other responsibilities as a stay-at-home mom. I have to keep the same schedule of pumping if I want to keep the same output of milk, but I still have over a month to go! Something's gotta give. I can't keep this up for 30+ more days.

Louisa will turn one on May 19, which is when she can switch to whole milk. I spoke to her pediatrician yesterday, and he said I could do bottles of half breastmilk/half whole milk starting at 11 months, and keep that up until she turns one. In order to maintain my sanity and some semblance of order in my home, I need to drop at least one pumping session a day, which will for sure lower my supply. I know I won't make it to her first birthday with my stash of breastmilk.

So Louisa will be switching to formula.

Just typing that leaves me reeling with guilt...

...which is ridiculous because Max switched to formula at around 11 months. He became a distracted nurser, too (although he was also biting me regularly), but I only pumped twice a day and my supply dried up within two weeks. I had to switch to formula. But I know better this time, which is why I've been pumping four times a day to keep my supply up. I feel like I'm taking the easy way out with Louisa if I intentionally cause my supply to drop.

I also have 3 good friends who each exclusively pumped for the entire first year of their baby's life. I only need to do it for a little over a month. If they can do a whole year, I can do 6 weeks, right? But for those friends, it was their first baby. They didn't have another kid running around at home while they tried to pump all the time. Two of them worked full-time, so they got to do most of their pumps at work. Sometimes I think that if I were working outside of the home, I'd be able to keep it up. 

I've been battling this guilt for over a week now. I've finally decided, though, that I need to forget about the guilt and do what I think is the best thing for myself and my family, which is gradually introducing formula while simultaneously decreasing my milk supply. 

Sitting around, for me, begets more sitting around. It zaps my energy and my motivation, which leaves my house in shambles, which leaves me resentful and overwhelmed. I refuse to quit working out every day; I'm creating a healthier, stronger me for my family, which is so important. Fed is best, and Louisa will still be fed. Just not from my body anymore.

My guilt is purely self-generated. I'm not being pressured by any outside sources to continue pumping despite all the evidence that this isn't working for me and my family. It's all me. I don't want to feel like I'm giving up or taking the easy way out. I don't want to feel like I'm the only one benefiting from this change (no more pumping; no more cleaning pump parts; I can wear whatever I want and not have to worry about whether I can easily attach my pump; I can soon return to sleeping on my stomach; I can devote myself fully to the 21 Day Fix meal plans). I know other people have persevered through exclusively pumping, so I feel like I should too, but I'm taking advice from Amy Poehler: "Good for her! Not for me!" Just because someone else is doing it doesn't mean I have to do it. I take that stance in every other area of my life; why should I make an exception now when it's clear that trying to make it work isn't working? Bottom line: this is what's best for me and my family. And even though I am sort of taking the easy way out, I have very valid reasons for doing so, and I have to be okay with that.

As moms, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to do what we think society wants us to do or to do what's most popular. But just because it's the popular choice doesn't mean it's right for you. You're the one living your life. You're the one dealing with your family's schedule and needs. You're the boss of your family and how you get through the day-to-day. Do what you gotta do, Mama, while still maintaining some semblance of sanity. Let's also encourage all the other moms out there who are working their hineys off just trying to make it to bedtime. We've all got our own battles to fight and hurdles to clear; let's not add "defending my choices to the Sanctimommies" to the list. Let's build one another up and kick the mom-guilt to the curb.

Mama Heart Series | Seasons of Motherhood

Hello lovelies! For a couple of weeks now, I've been pondering beginning a series on the blog. I wanted to choose a broad theme that I can touch on each week, hitting a more specific aspect  of that theme with each post. Since I'm deep in the throes of motherhood with two littles under age 3, I figured that would be the best topic. 

That brings us to today, the first installment of the Mama Heart series! My plan is to post for "Mama Heart Monday" each week. If you're a blogger and would like to participate, feel free to post on Mondays about anything that is on your Mama Heart. Perhaps it'll turn into a linkup someday.

My kids are going through a lot of changes right now, and as a mom, adjusting to those changes can be pretty challenging. As a first-time-mom when Max was a baby, I was fascinated every time he reached new milestones, and I very rarely willed time to slow down like so many other moms do. I truly was so excited to see him growing and changing. I celebrated his teeth coming in, I encouraged him to crawl and eat solids, and I wanted so badly for him to walk before his first birthday (although he waited until 15 months to take his first real steps).

After he turned one, I went from being the mom of an infant to being the mom of a toddler, which came with it's own set of challenges as Max became more independent, opinionated, defiant, and incredibly intelligent. My patience was tested virtually every day by my strong-willed firstborn, and I had to learn how to give him the freedom to try new things and do some exploring on his own, allowing him to learn from his mistakes.

During Max's first year of toddlerhood, I found out I was pregnant with his little sister, and I began to prepare myself for the task of being a mom of two kids ages 2 and under. I was so excited and so nervous at the same time. How would I adjust to this newest season of motherhood?  I had already survived the infant season and was knee-deep in the toddler one, but soon I was going to add another baby to the mix. I hoped and prayed that I would figure it out and not screw up too much in the process.

Being a mom to a baby and a toddler has been such a fun and demanding season of motherhood for me. To be quite honest, the baby stuff came back to me pretty easily. The more challenging part of this newest season is navigating my toddler, especially in relation to the new baby. I've already done the baby stuff, but the toddler stuff is where I'm tested and where I feel like I'm doing it all wrong some days (case in point: potty training). I have a feeling that I'll be challenged in new ways once Louisa reaches toddlerhood; I know she's developing her own personality and will throw me for many loops as she figures out her own preferences and quirks. It's a never-ending ride!

Soon I will be the mom of a preschooler, a brand new season of motherhood that I'm excited for (mostly because Max is so excited about it), but one that I'm also struggling with. First of all, HOW did Max suddenly go from squishy little baby to almost 3 years old so quickly?! It really is true when they say that the days are long but the years are short; we have many a loonngg day in our house, but then suddenly months have passed by and I'm wondering where the time went. Victor and I have toured two preschools in the area already, and we will visit a third this week. We're asking questions about curriculum and schedules and enrichment activities, wondering how our very bright son will be challenged academically and how he will interact with his peers. In just a few short months, I will be handing my son (who has only been cared for by his parents, his aunt, or his grandparents) over to complete strangers and entrusting them with his education and care. I will watch him develop an admiration and enthusiasm for his new teachers and friends, and I will witness him foster new interests and skills that I have not personally exposed him to myself. For the first time in three years, I will be away from my son for multiple hours a day, 3 days a week. Thank goodness I have a few more months to come to terms with all of this change that's coming my way.

And that brings us to Louisa, my sweet little Lou-Lou-bird. She's getting ready to crawl and is about to sprout her first tooth (I think...please let it be soon! My poor girl is miserable!). She's getting too big for her infant car seat so we're switching her to Max's old convertible one; this means I need to switch to a different stroller and prepare differently for leaving the house--no more throwing a blanket over her car seat as I clip her into the umbrella stroller--girlfriend needs a coat! She's becoming a more voracious solids-eater, and she's starting to use a cup (though not exactly successfully). She's started letting us know when she's mad, especially when we take away a wash cloth that she could be sucking on. She loves to nurse and hates a bottle, but I know that at some point in the next four months, our nursing relationship will end. I find I'm having a harder time celebrating Louisa meeting her milestones than I did with Max; I am so sad to see her baby-ness fade away. The fact that she's less than four months away from turning one is crushing me. I'm not sure why I'm feeling more sentimental this time around; perhaps it's because she's a girl, or maybe it's because she could be my last baby, or it might be because I know what comes next and how quickly she's going to turn into this little creature who only vaguely resembles her squishy baby-self. No matter the reason behind it, I just want to keep her little forever.

I've only just begun to navigate the ever-changing seasons of motherhood. Right now I'm up to my eyeballs in diapers, Cheerios, toys, and tantrums. I'm sleep-deprived due to my baby needing to nurse overnight and my toddler having bad dreams or needing to be tucked back into bed. But I know that in the not too distant future, I'll be elbow-deep in sports schedules, homework, teenage angst, and curfew enforcement. I'll be sleep-deprived because Max and/or Louisa is out driving or on a date or applying for college and I'm up late poring over their baby books. I'll be longing for these long, loud, seemingly endless days with my baby and toddler.

Late last month, I overheard a couple in the checkout line at the grocery store discussing their kids and how they were going to approach one of them about needing to get a job and how they needed to have a discussion with another about the rules for having friends over to the house when they weren't home ("It's really a safety issue," the mom said). I remember being thankful that I didn't have those worries at this point in my motherhood journey.

I often find myself wondering how I will know that I'm making the right decisions when it comes to my kids, especially during the teenage years. I can't even begin to fathom my kids having their own cell phones and cars and letting them go out on their own. But the truth is, I don't even know that I'm making the right decisions now; I just know that the decisions I'm making are the ones that I feel are best for my kids. I guess that's all we can do, regardless of which season of motherhood we're in. We trust our gut, we put on a brave face, and we love our kids with everything we've got.

A Fond Farewell to the Obamas

In these weeks leading up to the Inauguration of Donald Trump (which, admittedly, I have not tuned into at all today), I couldn't help but feel an underlying sadness as we bid adieu to the Obamas. Regardless of what you think of President Obama's policies or party affiliations or whatever, I don't think you can deny that they were a wonderful First Family and one classy representation of the United States of America.

Since I'm not a very political person, I won't be sharing any political sentiments or opinions in this space. But I will say that I will miss the Obamas as the face of America. They always brought a smile to my face and warmth to my heart. They seemed relatable, sincere, and genuinely kind. I don't know what went on behind closed doors in terms of policy or politics, but the image I saw portrayed to the public was one of sophisticated poise, and I will sincerely miss them.

Watercolor print of the First Family by Jennifer Vallez of Sophie and Lili

I look ahead to the next for years with a guarded heart. Undoubtedly, some change will occur, and I hope with everything that I have that those changes will move us forward as a nation and bring us closer as human beings. My main hope is that we see less hate and more love.

Have a splendid weekend, loves. Check back Monday for the first installment of a new series!

If you like the print shared above, the link in the caption will take you to the print's listing in her shop (here's a direct link to her main website). This is not sponsored by any means. I am simply a fan of the artist's work and have personally ordered a custom watercolor portrait from her in the past.

**I have disabled comments for this post; I do not care to get into a political debate here. Just wanted to share my heart.**